all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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