Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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