see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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