We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
