he puts the penis in happiness.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
