We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
