Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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