hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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