Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
