Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
We were destined to go to rehab together
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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