so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
