Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
zippers are such a cool invention
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
