Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
