i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
