i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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