Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
