i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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