The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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