Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
