I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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