PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
