you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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