Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
