I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
