I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
