Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
