3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
