You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
