I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
