Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
