you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
