okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
