The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
