My sheets look like a crime scene.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
you didnt know i had herpes?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
