You don't have asthma, your pregnant
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
