sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
