You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
