News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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