do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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