around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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