Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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