I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
