marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
