you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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