Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
