Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
