people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
