Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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