I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
