if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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