I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
