i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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